USAMAMANIKKI

30 Dec 2012

thank you 2012.

So, it's the end of 2012.
...what an intense, eventful, emotional, and satisfying year it has been.

For several years, I felt that my days, weeks, and eventually years were passing by me too quickly. And I knew my laziness, and incapability to persist were the reasons those precious days have gone by unnoticed.
So this year, I made a conscious effort to appreciate each and every day - recording in my journal even the least impressive of achievements like "I woke up early today" and "I reorganized my stationery" (on days I had not accomplished much else). I also decided I will not note down any negative comments or thoughts. I'm naturally pessimistic, so recounting unpleasant experiences and have them permanently inked into the year would only discourage me, I thought.
Every sentence was written in formal form, as a constant reminder of the peaceful benefit being respectful to oneself and others have.
It worked; I felt my time slowing down. I'd look back to a week that just past, and so often got excited to think "has it only been a week?! It sure feels like a month has passed though!"
Here I am at the end of 2012, feeling like I've acquired about three years worth of wisdom.

Another conscious effort, this one to conquer my tendency to easily give up, was, well.. to not give up so easily. This attempt gave me new confidence. But at the same time, it also taught me that an ability to strive is a talent rather than an acquired skill... For some, because the act of striving is what define them, they could essentially succeed in anything. Whereas I have a very specific talent, which feels unused unless appreciated in its most intended way.
Or maybe, some turns of events are just out of your control...and they simply do not work, no matter how you try...

So I understood that where I am today is not an outcome of the efforts and choices I made, but a life's path that is naturally laid out for me, just because: more important than the ability to strive is the ability to accurately notice the next step that is on my given path.

So much happened this year. Like, SO MUCH. My 2012 is about to end, with what seems to be a beginning of a life-changing chapter. "Life-changing" I say, because I had been trying too hard to create my own future - being very selective with what I desire. Something happened though; something broke that little shell I was in, and all that I felt should be wrong for me, feels right.

Is it really? That's what I'll have to carefully decipher next year. Am I diverting off my path, or is this how it should be?

I'm contradicting myself now, I think... Thinking deeply always ends up confusing me. My intuition has a better understanding of my life.

And now, I'd like to end my entry with the below: With gains come great losses. The greatest loss this year was my grandmother. I'd like to end this entry with a recount and message I wrote for her, in my journal, after she had passed away: (sorry.. no English)

2012年1月27日
おばあちゃんは(26日の)朝方血圧が60代まで下がっていました。
朝すぐに会いに行きました。
今までより頑張って息をしている感じでした。それでもいつもと比べれば眉間のしわも少なく、力を温存するかのようにうっすらと、でも常に目を開けて私達を見つめていました。話す事は出来ず、でも時々声を出して反応したりもし、それがまた私達の会話の内容に異議をとなえるタイミングばかりで(そう思えただけですが)、体力がおとろえただけで、相変わらずのおばあちゃんでした。

こんなに早くに終わるはずでは無かった。と悔やんでいたでしょうか。それとももう受け入れて、おばあちゃんなりにその現状を見つめていたのでしょうか。
もしかしたらいつも通り周りの心配ばかりしていたのかな。
最後夜8時過ぎに私が帰る頃、おばあちゃんはすっかり目を閉じて眠りはじめました。一日ずっと起きていて疲れたのでしょう、ぐっすり、という感じで。苦しさなどはなさそうな優しい寝顔でした。

27日朝6時40分頃、息が止まっていたそうです。9時頃着いた時、おばあちゃんはまだ温かく、冷たくなってしまったおばあちゃんに触れるのが怖いと思っていたので、なんというか、そうかすぐに冷たくなるんではないんだな、とホッとし、その安らかな表情を落ち着いて見る事が出来ました。 おばあちゃんの弱いけど強い命のあたたかさでした。

23日の夜は東京は大雪でした。
その日までは雨が続いていましたが、雪のあとはすっきりとした晴天続きでした。昨日今日(26、27日)と、(おばあちゃんの所へ向かう際の)タクシーから見えた立派な富士山の姿が印象的です。そして今日、帰りの電車から見えた落行く夕日は見た事もないようなきれいで激しい赤色で、空は水色とピンクとオレンジになりなんと美しかったこと。夜は一番星が月と同じくらい輝いていました。

雪解けのようにゆっくりと静かに人生を終えたおばあちゃん。幸せでしたか?
そうだといいな。
長い間、体が融通がきかず辛かったでしょう。本当にお疲れさまです。
辛くないお別れにしてくれてありがとう。

私の大好きなおばあちゃん。

xxx Maiko

Find Maiko also at:  ok.iam  usamamanikki  Draw Me by Maiko

29 Dec 2012

Happy end of 2012

Wishing everyone a happy end of 2012 and start of 2013!

xxx

Had an amazing feast of delicious seafood tonight!


xxx Maiko

Find Maiko also at:  ok.iam  usamamanikki  Draw Me by Maiko

25 Dec 2012

An autumnal moment

Had a pleasant walk this morning. :)

xxx Maiko

Find Maiko also at:  ok.iam  usamamanikki  Draw Me by Maiko

23 Dec 2012

22 Dec 2012

Happy Holidays!

Wishing you a very merry christmas and a happy end of 2012 and beginning of 2013!
xx



xxx Maiko

Find Maiko also at:  ok.iam  usamamanikki  Draw Me by Maiko

4 Dec 2012

street sketching

Hello there. Apologies for the lack of posts.
Life's been happily occupied! Hope your every day is full of smiles and accomplishments too.



Just as anything else, I feel very lazy about drawing; sometimes I just imagine myself drawing and end there; but once I start to draw, the lines unwinding at the tip of the pencil become the most entertaining thing to watch. Especially when I draw with my left hand!

xxx Maiko

Find Maiko also at:  ok.iam  usamamanikki  Draw Me by Maiko

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