30 Dec 2012

thank you 2012.

So, it's the end of 2012.
...what an intense, eventful, emotional, and satisfying year it has been.

For several years, I felt that my days, weeks, and eventually years were passing by me too quickly. And I knew my laziness, and incapability to persist were the reasons those precious days have gone by unnoticed.
So this year, I made a conscious effort to appreciate each and every day - recording in my journal even the least impressive of achievements like "I woke up early today" and "I reorganized my stationery" (on days I had not accomplished much else). I also decided I will not note down any negative comments or thoughts. I'm naturally pessimistic, so recounting unpleasant experiences and have them permanently inked into the year would only discourage me, I thought.
Every sentence was written in formal form, as a constant reminder of the peaceful benefit being respectful to oneself and others have.
It worked; I felt my time slowing down. I'd look back to a week that just past, and so often got excited to think "has it only been a week?! It sure feels like a month has passed though!"
Here I am at the end of 2012, feeling like I've acquired about three years worth of wisdom.

Another conscious effort, this one to conquer my tendency to easily give up, was, well.. to not give up so easily. This attempt gave me new confidence. But at the same time, it also taught me that an ability to strive is a talent rather than an acquired skill... For some, because the act of striving is what define them, they could essentially succeed in anything. Whereas I have a very specific talent, which feels unused unless appreciated in its most intended way.
Or maybe, some turns of events are just out of your control...and they simply do not work, no matter how you try...

So I understood that where I am today is not an outcome of the efforts and choices I made, but a life's path that is naturally laid out for me, just because: more important than the ability to strive is the ability to accurately notice the next step that is on my given path.

So much happened this year. Like, SO MUCH. My 2012 is about to end, with what seems to be a beginning of a life-changing chapter. "Life-changing" I say, because I had been trying too hard to create my own future - being very selective with what I desire. Something happened though; something broke that little shell I was in, and all that I felt should be wrong for me, feels right.

Is it really? That's what I'll have to carefully decipher next year. Am I diverting off my path, or is this how it should be?

I'm contradicting myself now, I think... Thinking deeply always ends up confusing me. My intuition has a better understanding of my life.

And now, I'd like to end my entry with the below: With gains come great losses. The greatest loss this year was my grandmother. I'd like to end this entry with a recount and message I wrote for her, in my journal, after she had passed away: (sorry.. no English)



27日朝6時40分頃、息が止まっていたそうです。9時頃着いた時、おばあちゃんはまだ温かく、冷たくなってしまったおばあちゃんに触れるのが怖いと思っていたので、なんというか、そうかすぐに冷たくなるんではないんだな、とホッとし、その安らかな表情を落ち着いて見る事が出来ました。 おばあちゃんの弱いけど強い命のあたたかさでした。




xxx Maiko

Find Maiko also at:  ok.iam  usamamanikki  Draw Me by Maiko

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